Thursday, March 12, 2009

One night...

While answering the below interview questions, I alluded to a future post about my best one night stand or drunken make out. Well folks, here it goes…

In July of 2005 I moved into a new apartment and before I even moved in I met some of my neighbors, one of which happened to have a beautiful boy visiting his apartment when we met. As soon as I met BB (beautiful boy) I decided my mission was to sleep with him.

Once I moved in, I became quick friends with my neighbor and his friends. We drank on each other’s back porch, hung out at the pool, and about two weeks after I moved in, we went to a local comedy club.

That night, we’d been drinking for a while before we headed out…there was a big group of us and I ended up driving one carload of people, including BB. Drinks were flowing. The show was pretty good and once it was over we all headed back to the apartments. More drinks. Some people (NOT me) were doing more than drinking, and once that started, I decided it was time for me to head home.

BB had other plans. He stopped me and suggested that we head to a bar on the Landing. At this point it had to have been close to midnight, it was a week night, and I had to be at work the next morning. BUT…I wasn’t gonna tell him no.

We got to the bar, had maybe two drinks before we were all over each other. We quickly decided to get the fuck out of there and head back to my place. I think it took us all of 30 second to make our way to my bedroom and completely strip off our clothes.

I’d be lying if I told you that I remember exactly how many times we fucked or how many orgasms I had…’cause I don’t. But it was a lot. Me on top, then him, my legs on his shoulders, from behind...At this point in my life I hadn’t been in a relationship in a while and I was kind of queen of one night stands…but nothing I’d experienced before came even close to this. He was in great shape, had amazing stamina, seemed to like giving oral, and was most definitely the biggest guy I’d been with.

Eventually we drifted to sleep (or more likely, we passed out). My alarm went off way to early the next morning and before I had time to pull bak the covers, BB was inside me again. After we were done, he rolled over and went back to sleep while I got ready for work.

I left for work thinking that I had just found my new fuckbuddy…and I was right. Too bad we didn’t leave our relationship at that. BB eventually became my ex-husband, which is really sad because even if I can say nothing else positive about him, he was always, ALWAYS, ah-mazing in the sack.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Interview me!

I'm sure most of you have seen this little game floating around on various blogs. I decided to play along. The fabulous JayCee Leigh from Carpools, Kiddos, and Cocktails just sent me my 5 questions.

1-- most adventurous or nontrad sexual activity

This is a tough one. I can't really think of any wild and crazy non-traditional sexual activities that I've had the pleasure of experiencing. Almost every sexual experience has been in my house/hotel/other non-exciting location and none have involved something that I'd consider wild & crazy.

I guess the most "crazy" thing I've done is to have sex a national park...on a park bench...when it wasn't exactly dark outside...and proceed to get caught by a park ranger.

2-- describe or take a pic of fave panties

I should add that what really makes these my favorite is the bra that matches. Sorry no pic of that!

3-- food in bed?

Love it [as long as I'm not the one washing the sheets ;-)]

4-- fave place to buy panties? Shoes? Clothes?

Well because I wear a fairly large bra size and I'm a freak about my bras & panties matching, most of mine have to be special ordered from Ann's Bra Shop and I'm a big fan of Freya's lingerie.

Most of my work clothes com from NY&Co. and almost all of my shoes are from Aldo.

5-- one night stand / drunken make out? And describe? :)
Are you asking if I'm a fan of one night stands/drunken make-outs??? If so, the answer is yes & no. I'm a believer that some of the best sex/make-outs are the non-emotional/no strings attached kind. But I do think that once you get into a committed relationship the sex can be incredible since you are both striving to please your partner on more than a strictly physical level.

And if you're asking what my favorite one night/make-out story is...stay tuned. That deserves a post of it's own!

If you want to play a comment with your e-mail addy (or shoot me an email at the address posted in my profile) and I'll send your questions right over!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Proof that where I live is just a big small town

Immediately after finishing my undergrad, I decided to move to the City. I had a cool apartment in a great area. There were lot of bars and restaurants all within walking distance from my place, and plenty of others were just a quick drive away.

I want to say I was turning/had just turned 23 when this happened.

A couple of girlfriends and I were headed out for a night of fun. Of course we were dressed up, had our hair done, and our make-up was perfectly applied. We ended up going out to a bar owned by a local sports announcer's family. It was packed as always on a Saturday night. Lost of drinks, some innocent flirting, and then it was time to move on. We all hopped in one car and headed out (leaving my car behind).

We headed to a nearby bar that stayed open later than most in the area. This is where the real fun got started.

Martinis were flowing and my friends and I were having a great time. We ended up talking to a group of guys. They were cute and funny. It got to be pretty late and my girls were ready to head home...of course I wasn't. I made the brilliant decision to stay behind and accept a ride home from one of the guys. A ride is certainly what I got...just not to my house.

We ended up back at his condo and had great incredible sex that seemed to last all night. Eventually the alcohol overcame us and we both passed out. The next morning lead to rounds 4 & 5 and, of course, the inevitable ride back to my car. No point in exchanging last names or numbers...we were both very aware that we'd never see each other again.

HA! We couldn't have been more wrong. Imagine our surprise when we ran into each other the following an office the same elevator....heading to the SAME OFFICE!!! I don't remember exactly what was going through my head but I'm sure it was something along the lines of "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Talk about the longest elevator ride of my life.

See, my birthday is in September, which happens to be when a fair amount of new people start at my office each year. That's really the only reason I'm pretty sure this took place around my birthday...because I'd never seen him around the office before. I mean it's a big place and the employees are spread out over several floors of the building, but I'm certain I would have seen him around or at least heard his name if he'd been here for any amount of time before our encounter.

And yes, we're still co-workers, but thankfully we only run into each other a few times a year.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years later...I'm sitting around drinking with friends and one of their husbands asks if I know someone. I immediately start laughing...thinking of this story, and of course I share the story with everyone that was there. Come to find out my friend is actually attending the out of town bachelorette party for this guys soon-to-be-bride. FUCK ME! That's what I get for opening my big mouth...I should have just said, "Yep. I know him," and left it at that.

I promise you...this shit would never happen in any other large-ish city. This place is seriously just a big small town. If you meet a random guy at a bar, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Everyone knows fucking everyone.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Booty call, anyone???

Yes, that's exactly what I call going over to a guys house at 2 am. A booty call...nothing less, nothing more. Right?? Right!

That is unless your me...and you continually attract complete idiots.

Ok, so let's set the scene. I'd gone out with R one time. He was cute, had a nice smile and a great body. Probably not Mr. Right, but he certainly could have been Mr. Right Now.

A few days later our phone calls/texts had gotten pretty sexual and it seemed inevitable that we'd soon be sleeping together. Either that weekend or the following weekend (I can't remember) I was planning on hanging with my girls and their hubbies at one of their houses. Just so happened that R lived less than 10 minutes away from my friend's house.

It worked out great...we each had plans with friends scheduled for that night and it was decided that I'd head to his house when things at my gathering wound down. I warned him right away that I'd probably be fairly drunk and that there was no way I'd be done before midnight and more likely, 1 or 2 in the morning. He was game....or so I thought.

It had been a long night of drinking. I vaguely remember some of the texts we sent back and forth (some may or may not have been from my girls instead of me). Eventually I make my way to his condo.

Minimal small talk ensues. Kissing begins. Undressing begins. He's naked, my bra is long gone, I'm in my is now a sure thing. Again...that is unless your me.

Me: 'Let's go to the bedroom."
R:'Umm...I need to go to my parents house to let their dogs out'
Me:'You're fucking kidding, right?'
R:'Well, no. They haven't been out all day.'

WHAT THE FUCK!!! I seriously got rejected because of a fucking dog. I mean, I know I'm no super model or anything, but give me a break. I have no idea what the hell that was all about...I mean he was clearly ready for action as was I. And really, what the hell else was the reason for having me come over at 2 am??? We're both adults...we both know what that type of visit means.

The funny part was...after hearing nothing from him in weeks, just 2 weekends ago he texts me again. A friend that was present the night of the previous incident happened to be playing a game on my phone when his text came through (I also happened to be in a room full of married women). After filling everyone in on most of the details (well, except those that involved us being naked and on top of each other) my friend replied something along the lines of "Booty call??"

I don't remember what happened from there on, but it was pretty damn funny. I don't know what he was thinking when he tried to get a hold of me a second time. No way in hell was I going for a repeat performance (or should I say lack of performance).

Alas...J's dry spell continued on...

Monday, March 2, 2009


This story goes back a while...I think sometime in July. My first post-husband date.

A former co-worker convinced me to join was on there and had met some fun people, I figured what the hell. I ended up meeting S. We seemed to hit it off online and on the phone. After talking for a couple of weeks we decided to meet for dinner and drinks. We had a good time and S was a decent enough guy. We had a mini make-out session on the street before we headed our separate ways.

Date #2 was a few days later...again, more kissing, but nothing too hot and heavy.

Date #3 (ok this was totally not a date, but let's roll with it) involved me meeting some friends of mine for drinks after work (must have been a Friday). We'd been drinking for a while when S called me to see what I was up to. I told him where I was and he ended up joining us. We left the bar and went to a comedy club to continue drinking.

Well one thing lead to another and I ended up going home with him. BAD IDEA. We get to his house...and from what I remember it was a typical guys house. No furniture. Nothing on the walls. Whatever, all I really cared about what finding out where the bedroom was located.

After some drunken foreplay we have sex. It was horrible. I swear to God I have never in my life seen a penis so fucking small. Seriously. It was ridiculous. I can honestly tell you that a super tampon is bigger. I couldn't even tell if he was inside me or not!!! All I have to say is no wonder the poor guy was 33 and single. Clearly I got nothing out of this...but he did...unfortunately. It must have been a while for him too, because he wanted to KEEP.HAVING.SEX. Not only did have miserable sex once, we had miserable sex three times.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking...clearly I was trying to be nice in my drunken stupor. I cannot come up with on single other reason to have endured that more than one time.

Eventually I passed out and he left me alone - until the next morning when he woke up before me and wanted to have sex AGAIN! I had apparently sobered up by that time because I was not having THAT for a fourth time.

Never spoke to S again...

Why the new blog???

Frankly, I'm a dating disaster and the stories that I have to tell are just too fucking funny to keep to myself.

I'll give you a quick low-down on my life as it currently stands:
*I'm an active blogger under my real name...but figured I'd better make this anonymous for every one's protection
*I currently call a smallish town in the Midwest home, but am thinking I'll eventually get the hell outta here.
*Will hopefully be divorced in the near future
* My first post-marriage sex adventure involved a guy who's penis was so small I couldn't feel ANY.THING.
*Next guy had one testicle - 'nough said.
*Currently at 6 months and counting of NO SEX! And it's driving me insane.

I think that covers the basics. I promise lots of funny, ridiculous, and embarrassing stories are to come.

Oh, and one last thing...if anyone finds out who I really am and tells my mom, I'll kill ya...seriously...I know people who know people ;-)